Relationship Rules Survey
Katlyn Roggensack.2011
1=Strongly Disagree‚ 2= Disagree‚ 3=Neither Agree nor Disagree‚ 4=Agree‚ 5=Strongly Agree
My Perception of Relationship Rules
1. White lies are not ok between us.
2. What my partner shares with me is up to him/her‚ and that’s fine with me.
3. We should share everything about our relational history.
4. We should be able to talk about the future of the relationship without lies.
5. Sometimes it’s better not to share things that are just going to start a conflict.
6. Sharing genuine emotions is not necessary all the time.
7. Sexual history is important to share with each other.
8. Secrets are ok unless they will directly affect me (ex – health issues or future of the relationship).
9. Secrets are ok if disclosing them would bring harm to the self or partner‚ but they should definitely be disclosed if they could strengthen the relationship.
10. Omitting details is ok if it is to avoid hurting my partner’s feelings or upsetting him/her.
11. My partner should tell me if he/she spends time with someone of the opposite sex.
12. My partner should tell me if he/she is facing problems and vice versa.
13. My partner should keep me involved in his/her everyday activities to the point that I know where he/she is a majority of the time.
14. My partner should be honest with me about who is contacting him/her through media if I ever have questions.
15. My partner is not obligated to tell me anything.
16. My partner is not allowed to check my personal stuff such as text messages or my computer without permission.
17. My partner and I should voice our concerns about jealous feelings.
18. My partner and I should disclose where we are financially.
19. My partner and I should disclose everything to each other – nothing should be kept secret.
20. My partner and I should disclose all details about when we “go out.”
21. My partner and I should be honest with each other about needing time alone.
22. My partner and I should be honest regarding feelings about the relationship itself.
23. My partner and I should be genuine about emotions – good or bad.
24. My partner and I must be exclusive.
25. My partner and I don’t need to reveal everything to each other‚ but if prompted‚ we should.
26. My partner and I can keep secrets from one another.
27. Just because my partner and I are able to contact each other all throughout the day (as afforded by technology)‚ it doesn’t mean that we should.
28. It’s ok to keep things private that are not damaging to the relationship.
29. It’s ok that we don’t disclose everything about our past history to each other.
30. It’s important that my partner and I retain some independence.
31. It’s better to not share things that will provoke conflict if these things are not a big deal.
32. It is ok to have secrets from each other‚ unless we directly ask one another about a particular topic in which case we should disclose that information.
33. If it is not affecting the relationship directly‚ I don’t need to share it with my partner.
34. I think I should be able to know where my partner is at all times.
35. I should know whom my partner is contacting through new media (texting‚ social networking‚ emailing).
36. I don’t need to know my partner’s sexual history.
37. I don’t need to know everything my partner is doing daily.
38. Health issues must be shared‚ regardless of the circumstances.
39. Family issues can be kept private from my partner.
40. Drug or alcohol use should be shared.
41. Distorting minor details is ok.
42. Distorting information is ok as long as it’s something inconsequential/minor.
43. Being direct with each other is necessary.
44. Being completely honest is not always necessary.
Instructions:
Next‚ I would like to know how you think your partner perceives the same relationship rules. This time‚ please respond to the same set of rules as you believe YOUR PARTNER would answer.
My Partner’s Perception of Relationship Rules
45.White lies are not ok between us.
46. What my partner shares with me is up to him/her‚ and that’s fine with me.
47. We should share everything about our relational history.
48. We should be able to talk about the future of the relationship without lies.
49. Sometimes it’s better not to share things that are just going to start a conflict.
50. Sharing genuine emotions is not necessary all the time.
51. Sexual history is important to share with each other.
52. Secrets are ok unless they will directly affect me (ex – health issues or future of the relationship).
53. Secrets are ok if disclosing them would bring harm to the self or partner‚ but they should definitely be disclosed if they could strengthen the relationship.
54. Omitting details is ok if it is to avoid hurting my partner’s feelings or upsetting him/her.
55. My partner should tell me if he/she spends time with someone of the opposite sex.
56. My partner should tell me if he/she is facing problems and vice versa.
57. My partner should keep me involved in his/her everyday activities to the point that I know where he/she is a majority of the time.
58. My partner should be honest with me about who is contacting him/her through media if I ever have questions.
59. My partner is not obligated to tell me anything.
60. My partner is not allowed to check my personal stuff such as text messages or my computer without permission.
61. My partner and I should voice our concerns about jealous feelings.
62. My partner and I should disclose where we are financially.
63. My partner and I should disclose everything to each other – nothing should be kept secret.
64. My partner and I should disclose all details about when we “go out.”
65. My partner and I should be honest with each other about needing time alone.
66. My partner and I should be honest regarding feelings about the relationship itself.
67. My partner and I should be genuine about emotions – good or bad.
68. My partner and I must be exclusive.
69. My partner and I don’t need to reveal everything to each other‚ but if prompted‚ we should.
70. My partner and I can keep secrets from one another.
71. Just because my partner and I are able to contact each other all throughout the day (as afforded by technology)‚ it doesn’t mean that we should.
72. It’s ok to keep things private that are not damaging to the relationship.
73. It’s ok that we don’t disclose everything about our past history to each other.
74. It’s important that my partner and I retain some independence.
75. It’s better to not share things that will provoke conflict if these things are not a big deal.
76. It is ok to have secrets from each other‚ unless we directly ask one another about a particular topic in which case we should disclose that information.
77. If it is not affecting the relationship directly‚ I don’t need to share it with my partner.
78. I think I should be able to know where my partner is at all times.
79. I should know whom my partner is contacting through new media (texting‚ social networking‚ emailing).
80. I don’t need to know my partner’s sexual history.
81. I don’t need to know everything my partner is doing daily.
82. Health issues must be shared‚ regardless of the circumstances.
83. Family issues can be kept private from my partner.
84. Drug or alcohol use should be shared.
85. Distorting minor details is ok.
86. Distorting information is ok as long as it’s something inconsequential/minor.
87. Being direct with each other is necessary.
88. Being completely honest is not always necessary
Instructions:
The next five questions will ask you to express how confident you are that you know a particular fact about your dating partner. On these questions‚ the answers should be written as a percentage‚ anywhere from 0% to 100%. For example‚ if you are totally confident that you know a particular fact‚ you might write 100%. If you were slightly less confident‚ you might put a number like 93%. If you were not at all confident‚ you might place a very low percentage‚ like 5%‚ as your answer.
89.How confident are you of your general ability to predict how he/she will behave? _________
90.How accurate are you at predicting the values he/she holds? _________
91.How accurate are you at predicting his/her attitudes? _________
92.How well can you predict his/her feelings and emotions? _________
93.How well do you know him/her? _________
Instructions:
Next‚ I would like you to think about your relationship with your partner over the last two months‚ and use the following words and phrases to describe it. Circle the number that most closely describes your feeling toward your partner over the past two months. A “4” represents a “neutral” feeling.
94.Miserable: 6 7 :Enjoyable
95.Hopeful: 6 7 :Discouraging
96.Empty: 6 7 :Full
97.Interesting: 6 7 :Boring
98.Rewarding: 6 7 :Disappointing
99.Doesn’t give me a chance: 6 7 :Brings out the best in me
100. Lonely: 6 7 :Friendly
101. Worthwhile: 6 7 :Useless
All things considered‚ how satisfied or dissatisfied have you been with your relationship with your partner over the last two months?
102. Completely dissatisfied: 6 7 :Completely satisfied
Instructions:
The next few questions ask about disagreements in your relationship.
To what extent have you and your partner had disagreements that upset one or both of you about… (1=Not at all‚ 2=Small extent‚ 3=Moderate extent‚ 4=Great extent).
103. …keeping secrets from each other? 1 2 3 4
104. …not sharing “relevant” information? 1 2 3 4
105. …honesty? 1 2 3 4
106. …deceptive behavior? 1 2 3 4
107. …distorting the truth? 1 2 3 4
For the next question‚ please circle the answer to your response.
108. Think about your IDEAL partner (exactly as you would wish your romantic partner to be).
To what extent would your current partner have to match your ideal partner in order for you to have a happy and successful relationship with your current partner? (Circle the appropriate number.)
1.) 0 – 10% of my ideal partner
2.) 11 – 20% of my ideal partner
3.) 21 – 30% of my ideal partner
4.) 31 – 40% of my ideal partner
5.) 41 – 50% of my ideal partner
6.) 51 – 60% of my ideal partner
7.) 61 – 70% of my ideal partner
8.) 71 – 80% of my ideal partner
9.) 81 – 90% of my ideal partner
10.) 91 – 100% of my ideal partner
Similar to the previous scales‚ please indicate on the scale below the extent to which you agree or disagree to the following statements.
(not at all agree 0-––-somewhat agree 4-––- agree completely 8)
109. I am committed to maintaining my relationship with my partner.
110. I would not be very upset if our relationship were to end in the near future.
111. It is likely that I will date someone other than my partner in the next year.
112. I feel very attached to the relationship – very strongly linked to my partner.
113. I want our relationship to last forever.
114. I am oriented toward the long-term future of my relationship (for example‚ I imagine being with my partner several years from now).
Demographic Questions
115. How long have you and your partner been in a romantic relationship (altogether)? Years_________________‚ Months_______________
116. Which of the following best describes your relationship status?
a. Casual dating
b. Dating exclusively
c. Engaged
d. Married
117. How old are you? _____________
118. What is your sex? a. Male‚ b. Female
119. What is your ethnicity? a. Caucasian‚ b. African American‚ c. Asian/ Pacific Islander‚ d. Hispanic‚ e. Native American‚ f. Other ethnic origin
Instructions:
Finally‚ I would like to know some general things about how you see your family and your parents. Please circle the answer which best represents your own family that you grew up with.
1=Strongly Disagree‚ 2=Disagree‚ 3=Neither Agree nor Disagree‚ 4=Agree‚ 5=Strongly Agree
120. My parents often ask my opinion when the family is talking about something.
121. My parents encourage me to challenge their ideas and beliefs.
122. My parents often say that every member of the family should have some say in family decisions.
123. My parents sometimes become irritated with my views if they are different from theirs.
124. If my parents don’t approve of it‚ they don’t want to know about it.
125. In our family we often talk about topics like politics and religion where some persons disagree with others.
126. I can tell my parents almost anything.
127. My parents often say things like “There are some things that just shouldn’t be talked about.”
128. In our family we often talk about our feelings and emotions.
129. My parents feel that it is important to be the boss.
130. My parents like to hear my opinions‚ even when they don’t agree with me.
131. My parents and I often have long‚ relaxed conversations about nothing in particular.
132. My parents often say things like “You should give in on arguments rather than risk making people mad.”
133. I really enjoy talking with my parents‚ even when we disagree.
134. My parents tend to be very open about their emotions.
135. When anything really important is involved‚ my parents expect me to obey without question.
136. We often talk as a family about things we have done during the day.
137. In our family we often talk about our plans and hopes for the future.
138. My parents often say things like “My ideas are right and you should not question them.”
139. I usually tell my parents what I am thinking about things.
140. My parents often say things like “A child should not argue with adults.”
141. In our home‚ my parents usually have the last word.
142. My parents encourage me to express my feelings.
143. When I am at home‚ I am expected to obey my parents’ rules.
144. My parents often say that you should look at both sides of an issue.
This instrument can be found online at: http://etd.lib.umt.edu/theses/available/etd-06092011-180315/unrestricted/Roggensack_Thesis_FINAL_6-8.pdf
Roggensack‚ Katlyn‚ M.A.‚ 2011. In the game of love‚ play by the rules: Implications of relationship rule consensus over honesty and deception in romantic relationships. The University of Montana. master of Arts Thesis.